Now you know where it all begun, let's fast forward...
At the age of twenty I married the man of my dreams, Joe. At the age of twenty-three I had my first beautiful baby, Alana. In between all of that my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was so devastating. The 'C' word had entered my life. It was the kind of ‘C’ word that you would rather never hear in your home. Sadly she passed away at age forty-nine, two months short of her fiftieth. That day would forever change my life!
I was so angry! I felt anger towards the doctors, anger with her for leaving me and finally anger within myself that I should have been able to do more for her. Angry with the world! How could this happen? I've been left alone, alone with a 3 year old. My daughter was far too young to remember her, what the hell was I going to do?
I had never cried so much. The pain that I was feeling was so deep, it affected every cell in my body. There were days where I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't see a future for myself because what good would it be? If my mum wasn't there with me, how on earth was I going to continue to foster this family I had started to create? How was I going to cope with bringing up Alana? How would I know if she got chicken pox or if it was just a heat rash? How would I know anything about anything?
I suddenly felt so alone, so abandoned, so…. nothing.
I couldn't even go shopping without having a break down. If I did go, I would watch others shopping with their mums, enjoying a coffee, picking out the right outfit. Or I’d see a grandma with their grandchildren on an outing. It would become so unbearable that I would have to leave & go home. Life had no meaning and I couldn't make sense of anything.
After all it was all about me!!! Why would God do this to ME? WHY? This is where, at rock bottom, between crying myself to sleep...again, and waking up each and every day, I began to talk & have visions of my Angel. This angel was no longer a man at the end of my bed, it had became so surreal and familiar, it was my 'Mum'......
At the age of twenty I married the man of my dreams, Joe. At the age of twenty-three I had my first beautiful baby, Alana. In between all of that my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was so devastating. The 'C' word had entered my life. It was the kind of ‘C’ word that you would rather never hear in your home. Sadly she passed away at age forty-nine, two months short of her fiftieth. That day would forever change my life!
I was so angry! I felt anger towards the doctors, anger with her for leaving me and finally anger within myself that I should have been able to do more for her. Angry with the world! How could this happen? I've been left alone, alone with a 3 year old. My daughter was far too young to remember her, what the hell was I going to do?
I had never cried so much. The pain that I was feeling was so deep, it affected every cell in my body. There were days where I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't see a future for myself because what good would it be? If my mum wasn't there with me, how on earth was I going to continue to foster this family I had started to create? How was I going to cope with bringing up Alana? How would I know if she got chicken pox or if it was just a heat rash? How would I know anything about anything?
I suddenly felt so alone, so abandoned, so…. nothing.
I couldn't even go shopping without having a break down. If I did go, I would watch others shopping with their mums, enjoying a coffee, picking out the right outfit. Or I’d see a grandma with their grandchildren on an outing. It would become so unbearable that I would have to leave & go home. Life had no meaning and I couldn't make sense of anything.
After all it was all about me!!! Why would God do this to ME? WHY? This is where, at rock bottom, between crying myself to sleep...again, and waking up each and every day, I began to talk & have visions of my Angel. This angel was no longer a man at the end of my bed, it had became so surreal and familiar, it was my 'Mum'......
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